Selfishness is Selfcare

Marcus Matthews • Jun 12, 2023

Why is it important to put yourself first?

It's Monday morning, and my day began with a familiar series of events. The early hours were disrupted by the persistent barking of my dog, leaving me feeling exhausted before the day even started. Later, during a call, the topic revolved around selfishness and the detrimental impact of others' perceptions on our well-being. A recurring theme, it seemed.


To add to the mix, my son had misplaced his school shoes, causing frustration and triggering a cascade of negative emotions within me—anger, guilt, and shame. The weight of not measuring up and the longing for recognition once again intensified when I received news that I hadn't made the cut as a finalist for a military wellbeing award. It left me questioning my purpose and feeling inadequate.


As if that wasn't enough, my morning inbox greeted me with unsolicited LinkedIn messages, promising to help grow my company. I couldn't help but feel irritated by their opportunistic approach. And so, even before the week truly began, I found myself drained and overwhelmed. It begs the question:


What's the plan?


In every moment, no matter how challenging, lies an opportunity for self-discovery and growth. 

So how can we leverage these experiences to learn something about ourselves and others?

It's easier said than done, of course. The truth is, I/we are just humans, navigating through life's complexities like everyone else. Yet, there are moments when the weight of it all makes you want to scream, to tell the world to back off and stop depleting your energy.

But what  to do in this very moment? 

Right now, I must pause and take a deep breath. Amidst the chaos and overwhelm, it's time to slow down and nourish my mind and body.

As I write, a voice in my head whispers, "No one cares. If you share this, people won't take you seriously. Why bother?" 

So why share this? 

Is it for validation? Perhaps. 

Yet, maybe someone reading this will realize they're not alone. You see, it's not selfish to prioritise ourselves and express our emotions—it's essential.

Society has conditioned us to put others first, believing it will bring us safety, love, and purpose, it doesn’t, that’s our responsibility.

I write for myself, to release these thoughts from my mind. But I also share them with the hope that others may find solace and permission to pause for a moment. We're so caught up in the hustle, trying to please everyone around us, that we often fail to recognise our own emotions. Our busyness becomes a shield, shielding us from genuine feelings and deeper issues we'd rather not burden others with. That's why I put this into words—a blog—so that those who wish to read it can, and those who wish to dismiss it can as well. If nobody reads it, that's okay. I'm not seeking validation. I write to take time for myself, to express my feelings, and to share them with those who may resonate.

Allow me to offer some tips:

Tip 1: You can't make everyone happy.

Read that again. No matter how much you give, there will always be takers. You're not responsible for others' happiness. We each hold the key to our own emotions. Often, what we feel as adults is a result of subconscious programming that no longer serves us—a past traumatic experience, however small, that left us feeling unsafe. That program still runs, convinced it has a purpose in helping us. But does it?

Tip 2: Learn to say no more often. Putting yourself first sometimes sounds like saying no. If people genuinely care about you, they will understand and respect your boundaries. If they don't, you must ask yourself if they truly care about you or if they're using you to fill an unhealed void within themselves. You are not responsible for bridging their emotional gaps.

Tip 3: Establish healthy boundaries in your relationships. Setting boundaries is crucial, though many struggle with expressing their needs without triggering the other person. The key is to have a carefrontation conversation. Begin by taking responsibility for what you can control. Then, express gratitude, respect, and love for the other person. Reflect on what you've learned about yourself and clearly state your needs, free from expectations, blame, or manipulation. Remember, you can request, but never demand. Each person chooses their response, and you can choose the next steps. If someone disrespects you, walking away is always an option. As adults, we have choices that we didn't have as children.

If you truly desire self-care and contentment in life, take the time to understand your emotions. Only then can you determine the steps necessary to meet your own needs. Continuing to grind and hustle for everyone but yourself leads to burnout and frustration.

Tip 4: Don't be afraid to ask for help. Guilt and shame often prevent us from discussing our feelings, but we need to understand why we feel judged or burdened. If you're tired of constantly seeking validation and yearn for peaceful, purposeful, and loving days, it's up to you to take action. I'm here to initiate that conversation and empower you to transform your life.

Tip 5: Embrace evolution. 

Your mind's job is to keep you alive, and fear is what ultimately prevents us from becoming our trueselves.

Rumi, the great poet, said it beautifully with this profound insight:

"I died as a mineral and became a plant,
I died as a plant and rose to an animal,
I died as an animal, and I was human.
Why should I fear? When was I less by dying?
Yet once more, I shall die as a human,
To soar with angels blessed above.
And when I sacrifice my angel soul,
I shall become what no mind ever conceived.
As a human, I will die once more,
Reborn, I will soar with the angels.
And when I let go of my angelic body,
I shall become more than mortal mind can fathom."

Sometimes, we must let go of what we know, to embrace the unknown—the very essence of who we are becoming is still unknow so take solace in the fact that to know success you must know failure, to know love you must no loss.

There is no winning in life, just the experience of understanding we are all imperfectly perfect.

Remember when you give to yourself so that others will benefit that's not selfish that's service.

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