Where did it all go wrong
Marcus Matthews • 12 February 2026
The lessons I wish I’d known before I became a coach, therapist, or mentor
"Truth is a belief, agreed upon by a bunch of people with influence and power - Truth therfore is an agreed perception not fact".
A journey and a truth about the world, or should I say my current perception.
It’s 11:45 on 12 February 2026, and I’m sat here properly reviewing my life choices. It’s happened again: worked hard, gave a lot, got dumped.
Not by my amazing wife (still not sure what I did right there)…
I mean by work.
I’m 51. I’ve served my country in the military and the police. I’ve built technical skills in IT, made it into management, did what I was trained to do: carry responsibility without complaint and I'm back at the start again.
The Reflection, 2018 Suicidal. 2026 still trying to break old patterns to abundance
The Reflection, 2018 Suicidal. 2026 still trying to break old patterns to abundance
In 2018, I broke, suicidal, I realised something brutal:
Perception 1 - "It doesn’t matter how hard you work if you don’t have boundaries — you’ll get shafted".
The work begins
So I did the work, the proper work, I invested hard (tens of thousands of pounds of money I didn't have), training, therapy, coaching, reflection. responsibility, owning my patterns.
Taking my mask off, stopping the performance. Learning to say no without explaining myself into exhaustion.
Perception 2 - "You have to have skin in the game"
Here’s what I didn’t expect:
Taking my mask off, stopping the performance. Learning to say no without explaining myself into exhaustion.
Perception 2 - "You have to have skin in the game"
Here’s what I didn’t expect:
When you do have boundaries, when you step into authenticity, when you do the work, it doesn’t always get easier
Sometimes it gets worse. No wonder people don't get help, because help can turn into truth, real truth, the type you don't want to face, the truth that maybe your pain is someone elses fuel, that like vultures you now become the carcass that others feed on, but you're that deep in now you just let people feed in the hope things will change. But like a rotting carcus at first your flesh tastes good until it doesn't and you are left to decay.
Perception 3: "All those shiny promises become another manipulation to take your energy".
Perception 3: "All those shiny promises become another manipulation to take your energy".
Because the moment you stop over-giving, some people don’t just feel the loss of your effort, they feel the loss of their access to you.
You can get shafted again - Just for a different reason.
- Before, you were useful. Now you’re “difficult”.
- Before, you were available. Now you’re “cold”.
- Before, you said yes. Now you’re “not a team player”.
Underneath all of that is a sentence I’ve carried for years, whether I admitted it or not:
Perception 4 - “It is not safe to fully trust, because when I do, I get dropped.”
That belief doesn’t come from drama. It comes from evidence, from watching what happens when you give your best, put your loyalty on the table, and assume it will be met with loyalty in return.
Fuck it's Happened Again
Recently I was made redundant out of the blue. No warning. No conversation. Just… gone. Another reminder that the world can be transactional even when you’ve been anything but, what's worse, like all the times before I was led to believe I was safe.
At 51 I find myself learning how to write a CV properly for the first time… with qualifications that don’t reflect my real experience… sat in my office, skint, with fewer options than I expected.
Perception 5 - STOP
My ego is shouting:
My ego is shouting:
“Don’t post this. People will think you’re weak. You’ll look like a loser. You’re fishing for sympathy.”
This isn’t sympathy. This is service. Because if you’re stepping into coaching, therapy, or mentoring, you need the truth, not the Instagram version.
Because here’s a truth about the world of therapy, coaching and mentoring, it's an industry that feeds on pain, and if you don't believe me ask yourself why with so much access to help is the world in more pain than ever?
- The world rewards performance more than integrity
- We live in an age where we celebrate polish over honesty.
- Appearance over substance.
- Confidence over character.
Sometimes it feels like we celebrate fakeery, fraud, misrepresentation, greed, and gluttony… while beauty, truth, and integrity get mocked, sidelined, or punished.
My experience of the best therapists, coaches and mentors are the one who silently share the truth and that's what I am doing now.
Taking Off the Mask
My experience of the best therapists, coaches and mentors are the one who silently share the truth and that's what I am doing now.
Taking Off the Mask
If you’ve taken your own mask off, you’ll know this part:
Your unmasked self can scare people, not because you’re wrong. But because you remind them they’re still playing a part.
You stop faking it… and suddenly “fake it till you make it” sounds like what it is - Still Fake.
There was a man name Jesus who spoke the truth, the truth of love, compasion and peace. A man with boundaries, with integrity and self worth.
So here I am, carrying my own cross, not as a martyr, not as a victim… but as someone who’s finally stopped negotiating with their conscience.
Someone who is willing to fail over and over again in the pursuit of real truth - Love< Service and Empowerment of all.
The truth that as long as you walk in integrity, love and peace you will suffer, but when you make peace with suffering that is when you find peace.
What if we could all get alittle bit more honest, if we could all have the courage to speak our truth, maybe that may give others the courage to do the same and maybe the world would start to invest in good people who together can make the world a more loving, peaceful place.
Someone who is willing to fail over and over again in the pursuit of real truth - Love< Service and Empowerment of all.
The truth that as long as you walk in integrity, love and peace you will suffer, but when you make peace with suffering that is when you find peace.
What if we could all get alittle bit more honest, if we could all have the courage to speak our truth, maybe that may give others the courage to do the same and maybe the world would start to invest in good people who together can make the world a more loving, peaceful place.
The lessons I wish I’d known earlier
- The voice in your head isn’t “you” it’s your safety system
Those thoughts aren’t facts. They’re predictions based on old experiences. This blog is a perception, not a truth, and that line “It is not safe to fully trust, because when I do, I get dropped” is a prediction to help me stay safe. I don’t ignore it, it feels raw, real and a truth right now.
But it's also a junction of thought to dig deeper into and re-align and ask "If I could trust, if I could find people like me who were willing to raise me up, how would the world change", because if you never trust, you don’t just avoid pain, you also avoid connection. - Everything must have an ROI — it's all energy
Your relationships. Your job. Your friendships. Your routines. If you keep pouring into places with no return, no respect, no growth, no fairness, no peace, you will leak energy until you collapse. Aim for a life where what you do amplifies you, supports others, and improves the world.
Warning: When you start doing this, you’ll see who was only there for the version of you that over-gives. - Your value isn’t your skill, it’s what people think they can get from you - be mindful
A lot of people who’ve lived through trauma or disconnection become experts at one thing: being useful. But being useful isn’t the same as being valued, and being needed isn’t the same as being loved. When you stop being extractable, some people will call you selfish - Let them. - When it all appears to be going wrong do this - The only truth is love
Know in that moment you are safe, even if it doesn't feel like it, and anything you believe is a prediction, your mind is trying to keep you safe, and that's ok.
Shift focus by asking yourself - How can I see this through the lens of love?
The mind’s job is safety, not truth. It predicts outcomes based on the past. It’s not what happened to you that defines you. It’s what you make of it. - Transformation doesn’t come from pretending you’re fine - It comes from embracing your perceptions and choosing the next move
It comes from making peace with the dark parts of you… and letting your true light show even if it costs you. This is the part most people miss.
You don’t make the world better by being palatable. You make it better by being real, without becoming cruel.
Honest, without needing applause.
Boundaried, without needing everyone to like it, and maybe the deeper work isn’t “trust everyone” or “trust no one”
Maybe it’s this:
Trust yourself enough to notice red flags early.
Trust slowly and stop confusing loyalty with self-abandonment. - You can't help others until you know yourself
If you’re becoming a coach, therapist, or mentor: your integrity will cost you if you haven’t built the foundations to hold it.
But once you understand that failure, rejection and abandonment are the price you pay for finding your own truth, when you feel like your losing it all you gain something many never experience and that's peace.
Dedication
This blog is dedicated to all those who like Jesus are willing to be abandoned, rejected and crucified because they chose love over self interest and greed.
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